Jody Gastfriend, LICSW
VP Senior Care Services, Care.com
Editor’s note: 50plusnorthwest.com is proud to present our comprehensive guide to caregiving services. How to provide home care for a loved one is a major concern for both boomers and seniors. We hope to answer some of your most pressing questions with this ongoing series. Please check back regularly for updates.
About the Author
Senior Care Expert Jody Gastfriend, VP of Senior Care Services, Care.com, is a licensed clinical social worker with more than 25 years of experience in the field of eldercare.
Jody’s broad range of leadership positions include Director of the Department of Social Services and Case Management at Lawrence Memorial Hospital, Clinical Supervisor within the Social Service Department of Massachusetts General Hospital, Chief Operating Officer of a Medicare-certified visiting nurse association, and Director of Adult Care Services at a national backup care company where she established a successful and expansive eldercare division serving more than 130,000 employees.
Jody shares the personal journey of her clients, having helped manage the care of her own parent with dementia for more than a decade. She has consulted to individuals, professional societies and corporations in the field of eldercare. Additionally, Jody has lectured widely on topics related to aging and work/family balance to audiences that include family caregivers, HR administrators, health care professionals and policymakers. A featured senior care expert on NBC and Fox News, Jody is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post’s Huff/Post50 section, and has published numerous articles on caregiving and aging, including a 5-part series in USA Today.
Jody received her BA, Magna Cum Laude, from Tufts University, and her Masters Degree in Social Work from Simmons College School of Social Work.
Part Two, Developing a Plan of Care
By Jody Gastfriend, LICSW
VP, Senior Care Services, Care.com
It was the holidays when my dad wandered away. Hours later, he emerged, disheveled and upset. “Where were you?” my mother asked, aghast at dad’s unexplained disappearance. “I went to pick up my dry cleaning,” he said, empty handed and on foot. That was the moment my family put together a worrisome pattern of missed appointments, driving difficulties, memory lapses. Dad had early signs of dementia.
For my friend Jamie*, there was no pattern of behaviors pointing in an ominous direction – just a phone call. “When Mom told me about her diagnosis, pancreatic cancer, I was speechless. All the problems that were swirling around in my head suddenly seemed inconsequential. My world caved in on me and I didn’t know where to turn.”
Though our circumstances differed, Jamie and I both found ourselves in a role we were not quite ready for – how to develop a care plan that’s best for our families’ needs. As I talked about in my previous post on how to spot warning signs related to your parents’ well-being, these challenges often spike around the holidays when adult children visit their aging parents and are confronted with a new normal.
Something has changed – mom is more frail, dad more forgetful – and the caregiver torch gets passed from one generation to the next. If you find yourself in this role, you don’t have to go it alone. Consider the following pointers to plan ahead and ease the journey:
1. Do Your Research
Who might check in on Mom or Dad to make sure they are doing OK? Who might be able to bring a nice meal over from time to time? Think about building a network of neighborly resources. Also, learn about the local senior center and home care agencies where your parent might visit to enjoy a class or find companionship. Create a list of possible people who might take care of Mom in her home, or drive her to appointments. And consider identifying these resources now before a care crisis erupts, just in case you need more support at a later time.
2. Form a Team
If you have siblings, air your concerns before discussing them with your parents. The annual holiday dinner, when everyone is gathered together, is not the best time to broach the topic. If you have siblings, try to get on the same page and come up with a plan. Agree to communicate as a unified front and hear each other’s perspectives with an open mind. Letting conflicts simmer at the surface will only derail your efforts.
3. Seek Professional Guidance
Match your loved ones needs to the proper expert. If you fear your mother is showing signs of dementia, ensure that she has a thorough medical evaluation for dementia. If your parent just seems off, see if you can attend the next medical appointment with her, or perhaps make an earlier one together. If you are unsure of whether your father is eligible for Medicaid, consult with an elder law attorney. If you need help sorting out the options for care, seek the expertise of a social worker or geriatric care manager who can help guide you and your family through the caregiving process.
4. Find Comfort in Friends
Maybe start a book club and select reads which talk about aging parents. This will open doors to conversations about what people have been through and you can share your own fears and experiences. You aren’t alone – and you won’t continue to be alone.
While the holiday season can be emotionally charged, it can also provide an opportunity to adjust expectations and focus on what’s most important. For those who find themselves in the role of caregiver, you don’t have to give up the meaningful traditions that enhance your family’s connection to one another. But you may have to modify them.
After that incident, my family put a plan of care in place for both my dad and my mom. While there were many unforeseen twists and turns along the way, we settled into our new normal and were grateful to have made this journey together. Earlier this year, my dad passed away at a nursing home for veterans. During the few years he lived at the nursing home, we developed a partnership with the staff to insure that he received the best possible care. Looking back, we feel confident that he was well cared for everyday of his time at the nursing home.
The last Thanksgiving that we visited my dad at the nursing home was filled with memories that I cherish dearly. We brought our instruments and sang his favorite tunes. My daughter danced with dad, who was in his wheelchair. But despite Dad’s physical incapacity, he still let his arms (and spirits) soar.
*name changed for confidentiality purposes
